Let me tell you about my awesome club in this 23 megabyte e-mail!!!
D. Craig Elbert (WG'09) Publisher
Issue date: 11/17/08 Section: Perspectives
While there are many techniques for the school-wide e-mail, my favorite is probably the obscure-club method of recklessly spraying a string of rhetorical questions. I'm pulled in, engaged and, most of all, totally confused.
"Interested in restructuring trends?"
God no.
"Curious about the changing face of financial derivatives?"
What? I don't even understand what that means.
"Always wanted to manage a professional lacrosse team?"
Professional lacrosse, wtf?
"Then stop by next week's kick-off meeting for the restructured derivatives club as we begin to plan for our upcoming conference on leveraged financial instruments within professional lacrosse franchises!"
When promoting parties via e-mail, however, rhetorical questions won't do, presumably because the clearance censor won't allow inquiries like, "Do you like to get drunk?" and "Do you like to get drunk and grope?" So instead, WHALASA and Europa must convey this message through images that I can only assume are found by Google image searches for "sweat & orgy & people who go to the gym." Glancing at the e-mail I can't help but wonder, "Have you always been curious about fondling a sweaty, costumed person of a different nationality?"
In true Wharton tradition, of course, most mass e-mails have a tone of somebody politely freaking out and screaming at me on Locust Walk. There tends to be more events than students in Huntsman Hall and thus things get desperate. Mere subject lines can stress me out. "COME EAT PIZZA AND LISTEN TO THIS GUY TALK BECAUSE WE ARE SO AFRAID THAT NOBODY WILL SHOW UP!!!!! WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS EITHER BUT HE'S HERE TODAY, SO WHATEVER!!" And, within hours, the reminder email: "REMINDER: THIS GUY IS HERE AND IT IS SO AWKWARD, PLS COME TO G45 NOW!!! HE IS TALKING ABOUT FISH OR SOMETHING!!"
Finally, there are the ***official e-mails*** from the school. These contain valuable information that I need to graduate, which I would definitely read if it didn't involve so much reading. Hi MBAPO, words are so complicated, okay? In addition, the subject of these e-mails varies drastically, from extremely important (large locker results) to things I would rather not be aware of (a creepy man follows you home with a screwdriver, btw; sorry about that students!). At the end, of the day, if they want to get my attention though, they've got to acknowledge the competition they are up against. I'm hoping to see at least a couple of eye-catching e-mails from the MBAPO before leaving... "CURIOUS ABOUT EVER EARNING A PAYCHECK AGAIN, LOSER?!!?"
"Interested in restructuring trends?"
God no.
"Curious about the changing face of financial derivatives?"
What? I don't even understand what that means.
"Always wanted to manage a professional lacrosse team?"
Professional lacrosse, wtf?
"Then stop by next week's kick-off meeting for the restructured derivatives club as we begin to plan for our upcoming conference on leveraged financial instruments within professional lacrosse franchises!"
When promoting parties via e-mail, however, rhetorical questions won't do, presumably because the clearance censor won't allow inquiries like, "Do you like to get drunk?" and "Do you like to get drunk and grope?" So instead, WHALASA and Europa must convey this message through images that I can only assume are found by Google image searches for "sweat & orgy & people who go to the gym." Glancing at the e-mail I can't help but wonder, "Have you always been curious about fondling a sweaty, costumed person of a different nationality?"
In true Wharton tradition, of course, most mass e-mails have a tone of somebody politely freaking out and screaming at me on Locust Walk. There tends to be more events than students in Huntsman Hall and thus things get desperate. Mere subject lines can stress me out. "COME EAT PIZZA AND LISTEN TO THIS GUY TALK BECAUSE WE ARE SO AFRAID THAT NOBODY WILL SHOW UP!!!!! WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS EITHER BUT HE'S HERE TODAY, SO WHATEVER!!" And, within hours, the reminder email: "REMINDER: THIS GUY IS HERE AND IT IS SO AWKWARD, PLS COME TO G45 NOW!!! HE IS TALKING ABOUT FISH OR SOMETHING!!"
Finally, there are the ***official e-mails*** from the school. These contain valuable information that I need to graduate, which I would definitely read if it didn't involve so much reading. Hi MBAPO, words are so complicated, okay? In addition, the subject of these e-mails varies drastically, from extremely important (large locker results) to things I would rather not be aware of (a creepy man follows you home with a screwdriver, btw; sorry about that students!). At the end, of the day, if they want to get my attention though, they've got to acknowledge the competition they are up against. I'm hoping to see at least a couple of eye-catching e-mails from the MBAPO before leaving... "CURIOUS ABOUT EVER EARNING A PAYCHECK AGAIN, LOSER?!!?"
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