Hogs stay wild in Argentina
Dicke Dubbs and friends (WG'10) Contributing Writers
Issue date: 3/30/09 Section: News
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Hogs claim first win in Argentina
On the field, the tour could hardly have got off to a better start. A full capacity crowd at the Monte Grande ground saw the Hogs completely over run a vast and experienced veterans' side.
The game started much as the media pundits had predicted, with the rotund Argentinean forwards using their tactical acumen and considerable weight advantage to push the Hogs back. Wharton's finest, however, are blessed with a backline brimming with pace and it wasn't long before CJ "Siga La Vaca" Karthauser (WG'10) evaded the clutches of several followers to run in an amazing 70 yard try.
Donal "Still Can't Understand You" McElwee (WG'10), Ireland's greatest sporting export, then used his footballing skills to craft a second, and the Hogs' other captain and leading party animal, James "Sharp" Williams (WG'10), grabbed a third. The opposition did, however, have their own chances; inevitably scoring with some classic bump and grind forward play.
The Hogs own forwards responded well and upped their efforts, with the likes of Keith "I should have gone to Darden" Washington (WG'09), Adriano "The Bull" Blanaru (WG'10) and Nishant "The Wing Man" Malhotra (WG'10) bravely plowing into the opposition's sweaty pack time and again. This, combined with David "Red Socks" Chao's (WG'09) nifty handwork at scrum-half, lead to numerous other try-scoring opportunities being created. Michael "Can You Translate For Me" Chamberlayne (WG'09), as well as team pin-up Mike "Looking This Good Is An Art" Melby (WG'10) had their moments with the ball, but it was flying winger Daryl "The Playmaker" Bolden (WG'10) who was the main beneficiary. The Hogs' selfproclaimed captain, president, manager and messiah, ran in two excellent tries, effectively ending the game as a contest.
To their credit, the Argies didn't fold, and managed to pull back a couple of consolation tries late on. Anthony "You Told Me to Put it Down" Willis (WG'10) also lent a hand when he amazingly placed the ball down short of the line when he was clean through. One of the Argies later commented, "You know, I have been playing for many, many, many, many years, and I have never seen anything like that. It was unbelievable."
The result of the game, however, was never in doubt, and news of the Hogs' win sent shock waves around the Argentinean rugby football circuit. In the post-match press conference, Uruguayan playmaker and Co-President, Pablo "I like to slam octogenarians" Lema (WG'10), said of the performance, "I'm just delighted for the boys. It's great to make Hogs history with this win. We've really passed expectations today."
Culture vultures explore BA
Ever since their inception in 1978, The Wharthogs have constantly been in the glare of the media spotlight. "We're one of the most successful and best-looking athletic clubs in the world and we've always had more than our fair share of characters in the dressing room," explained Brent "Milkshake hunter" Boyce (WG'09). "It's a recipe for disaster from a PR perspective; the media can't get enough of us." The avid bidet user went on, "Thank goodness there are seasoned guys like me on this tour who can show the others how to behave responsibly."
The Club has certainly been plagued by a series of off-field scandals in recent years including the Barry Mattson (WG'08) and Barry Mattson (WG '08) incidents as just two examples that spring to mind. Strict disciplinarian and team enforcer, Jomaree "Does My Plunger Remind You Of Anything" Pinkard (WG'10) has admitted in the past that he is "troubled" by the rock'n'roll lifestyle of some of his fellow players.
These concerns no doubt prompted tour organizer and all round good guy, Romain "Another Issue To Deal With" Rosenberg (WG'10) to persuade the Club to appoint Matt "The Spirit Of The Tour" Gallagher (WG'10) to the role of Wharthog Club Press Secretary. Gallagher, who has plenty of experience of the pro lifestyle, commented, "We're trying to evolve into a highly professional and dedicated team, and we could do without the media circus that follows us everywhere. It's distracting for the players who need to concentrate on the job in hand. My role is to deflect attention and to set the record straight when required. If any stories do crop up, I'm going to use my skills to choke the life out of them."
The touring party certainly did their best to generate good PR, and several players, including Thomas "Captain America" Sheppard (WG'10) and Michael Chamberlayne were always willing to chat to local fans and pose for photos. Other players took time out of their busy schedules to coach other members of the Wharton and MBA community that were present in BA.
The team's management also ensured that the players took in many of the cultured sights and sounds that Buenos Aries has to offer. A trip to the ancient dungeons, a motor-boating display by the river, and a lesson in traditional Irish cream making were all well received by the squad. Arie "The True Ambassador" Barendrecht (WG'10) provided regular readings of local literature on bus journeys and at team meal-times, which also helped to imbed a deep sense of respect for the Argentinean culture. Others took things a step further, growing Argentinean-styled facial hair, much to the locals delight. A seemingly reformed Jon "The Other Captain" Mensing (WG'10) claimed, "The scenery and the wildlife here are amazing and, to a point, I've found the people to be very accommodating."
Despite these efforts, the Argentinean paparazzi were relentless in their pursuit of the Wharthogs. "The level of intrusion into our lives on this tour has been intolerable", admitted Chris "The Human Scoreboard" D'Ambrosio (WG'10), who went on to add, "The perpetrators should be caught and locked up for life." James Williams also commented, "If there is one thing I've learnt on this tour, it's that you've got to cover your arse. If you don't do that, you're going to be exposed. The paps are everywhere. The key thing is to stay awake and, obviously, stay sharp."
It was almost inevitable that stories would leak out during the tour and Gallagher had his hands full running hastily arranged press conferences. Gallagher was stoic in his defense of the squad, "There are always going to be so called 'kiss and tell' stories, but I've spoken to the players and I can assure you that all the reports are well wide of the mark.
Gallagher's able assistant and spin wizard maestro extraordinaire, Jon "The True Paparazzi" Feldman (WG'10) added, "I'd like to take this opportunity to refute the ludicrous claim that members of this team need additional house training. Yes, the customs may be different to the US, but we believe all the players have adapted to the conditions presented and have behaved appropriately. You've got to remember, these guys are MBAs; they know where and how to do their business." One story that the Club couldn't wriggle out of though was the disappearance of elusive hooker and accomplished boxer, Praveen "The Illusionist" Lingathoti (WG'10)." You've got me there," admitted Feldman, "We simply don't know where he is. We've been to every boxing ring in town but no trace of him."
Argies hand out important lesson
In the second and final game of the tour, the Hogs suffered defeat at the hands of a quality Argentinean side. Expectations had already been lowered going into the game, with influential player Lou "The Taxi" Marchetti (WG'09) ruled out by an unfortunate back seat-related injury, and several other players reportedly suffering from a fiendish bout of the Irish flu.
The Argies started strongly the game, and enjoyed plenty of possession. Their live-wire back row was a prominent threat and it was no surprise when one of their flankers ran in to open the scoring. The Wharton defense was stretched for long periods, but heroics from the likes of man of the match Tim "He'll Always Be Hollywood" Sherrod (WG'09) and Captains fantastic Williams and McElwee meant there were no further scores heading into half-time.
After the break, the Argies really turned the screw and the tired limbs of the Hogs could not respond. A raftof substitutions, including powerhouses Stuart "I kneel to no-one" Archibald (WG'09), James "My Last Name Says It All" Bentley (WG'09) and Mineo "The Shark" Sakan (WG'10), was made to try and stem the flow, but soon the Argentineans had put the game out of sight. There were a few fleeting moments of Wharthog brilliance from the substitutes, including an Adam "Thank God He's Here" Champy (WG'10) steal and protect and some masterful strutting from Grant "What Is This Warm Feeling On My Leg" Bechtold (WG'10), but it was not enough to even muster a score for the Hogs.
Speaking through a translator after the game, skipper McElwee said, "We're disappointed with the loss, but there are plenty of positives we can take from our general play. This game showed us we're not quite at the top international level yet, but we've got time to remedy things. I fancy our chances at the World Cup if we put in the work between now and then."
Players celebrate at awards night
Despite the defeat, the Hogs managed to put in a strong performance on the final evening of the stay in BA. It had been a record breaking tour after all, and there was nothing the team's management could do as the players forced their way out and into the town to celebrate.
At BA's most famous and uber cool night spot, Club Rumi, several awards were handed out for achievement and effort in all capacities on tour, including 'best forward' for fans-favorite Barendrecht, and 'best back' for Feldman. When pressed to comment on his award, a tearful Arie commented, "I'm deeply humbled to receive such an honor. But really, tonight shouldn't be about me. It's about all the boys on tour. They were all tremendous, and showed great heart for the fight. I love them all." A special mention should also go out to CJ Karthauser, whose stupendous antics off the field earned him the coveted "Tourist of the Tour" trophy.
The celebrations continued well into the not so wee hours, and Club Rumi became the team's dungeon. Although the Wharthogs owned the dance floor, it didn't matter in the end; the locals were just delighted to have been there to witness the famous Hogs go wild. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's going to take more than a press secretary and plunger to tame these Hogs. They'll always aim to do Wharton proud wherever they go and whatever they do. And after this tour, it looks a sure fire bet that they will reach even greater heights, both on and off the field, in the not too distant future.
HOGS FOR LIFE.
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